First Christmas
Ricky was all about Christmas. Our first married Christmas together we decided it would be wise to get a few things for each other and put a meager spot in the budget for presents. I stuck to the rule and pulled out my small 3 presents, Ricky went to his car and brought in a whole trunk full for me. He loved to be generous, he enjoyed figuring out that perfect gift and scouring the internet for the perfect sale on said item. He would get a clever gleam in his eye when the package arrived. The man loved to spend money and making people happy. He went to great lengths to convince our children that Santa was the real deal. He dipped his boots in flour that lead a trail from the fireplace to the tree. They're faces would light up in disbelief at the magical tracks that never melted. When Grayson was 5 (going on 15) he decided Santa didn't exist, Ricky climbed onto the roof, rang sleigh bells and stomped around nearly slipping on the ice and falling off the roof. I sat inside listening to the boys all gasp in wonder and then shriek "He's REAL!". Grayson quickly quieted them, letting them know they needed to pipe down or Santa wouldn't stop at our house. Grayson learned a few years later his instincts were correct, he also learned that dad was the one who did all the present buying. This year he quietly asked "um mom, are we even going to get presents?" We did indeed get presents, thanks to amazon prime I may have developed a small shopping problem. I wasn't the only one who bought presents, our socks were completely knocked off at the generosity of our friends who brought us 12 days of Christmas. We had SO much fun looking for the themed present everyday, sometimes it was stashed at our side door, sometimes the back door, other times right at our front door. Words can't even describe the beauty this brought to our house. Each gift was thoughtful, and fun from the giant floaty swan (it literally took over our living room) to the french basket filled with macaroons, french berets, peel and stick mustaches, to the many gift cards. Also the reservation for a long weekend at kalahari, and all the gifts in between, we are so grateful. These presents made a very hard time a bit lighter.
I thought maybe Christmas day would be like some of the other anniversary dates, hard leading up to the date but easier on the actual day. I thought maybe I'd luck out and the distraction of my kids, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, and truly amazing friends would magically carry us over this hump. I was sadly mistaken, today my eyes brimmed with tears all day, I can't even begin to explain the heaviness. Don't let this smile fool you.
Christmas 2016 and Christmas 2015. What a difference a year can make. We all look years older. I wanted so badly to turn back time, to just get one last word in, to talk with him, to laugh together at the way the kids responded to the gifts I'd bought. It's always fun to hear the genuine excitement over a longed for gift but also the feigned attempt to be grateful for new school pants or a coat. His lack of buying the perfect gift was felt. After the kids were finished unwrapping, they all went their separate ways to play. I sat in our living room, alone and felt so broken I missed him so much. I looked over and saw 2 of my favorite presents, one from our 12 days of Christmas, the other, original artwork from a dear friend.
My heart was overwhelmed with the reminder that yes, even in the middle of this storm, where I felt alone, and in the pit of despair I was not alone, Jesus is with me in the middle of this mess. He is Emmanuel, God with us. Every tear, every gut-wrenching moment He is right here beside me, carrying my burden and mourning with me. This concept has never meant so much to me. He is our healer and will make all things new. Deep, deep, down it IS well with my soul. He is the restorer of peace. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid." Jn. 14:27. He is faithful and unchanging, even when all else crumbles around us, He is my tower of refuge that will always remain.
I may have just sat most of the day unable to move had it not been for these reminders. Side note, this picture does not do this amazing artwork justice, it's truly spectacular I may have cried like a baby when she brought it over on Christmas Eve. Also, much to my horror, my son Tony informed the artist that Ricky's hair looks like Donald Trump's. She took it in stride.
Today was a reminder that I will continue to persevere and you can to, no matter what you are facing. Lean into Jesus, pour your heart out to Him, be real, we have limited time here, make it count, don't be fake. Continue to dig through the circumstances that are shoveled on you. We live in a fallen world that hands out incredible pain, it can feel bleak and desperate. But the hope which is found in Jesus is indescribable. This earth guarantees the hard stuff, anchor your life in the hope that is found in Christ alone. He came so we could have hope, even in the darkest circumstances, His light will lead our way.
May you feel Jesus' peace friends.
