Two Truths
Ever since Ricky passed I seem to be caught between two truths, or two realities. The first truth is who Jesus is. My soul finds rest in God alone; He is my ROCK and fortress. I am not alone, Jesus is so close to the kids and I. It is beautiful. Also Ricky is with Jesus! As a Christian this is like the ultimate, he has arrived. No pain, no suffering, with Jesus, he is living the dream. When I focus on that truth I feel like smiling, sometimes even laughing, because the one I love the most was in tremendous frustration with the breakdown of his earthly body. That is no more, and for that I'm SO grateful. I feel thrilled to know he is in his Heavenly home.
"For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven, God-made, not handmade, and we will never have to relocate our tents again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move, and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to whats coming, living conditions here seem like stopover in an unfinished shack, and we're tired of it." -2 Cor.5
Knowing this I do actually feel joy. Earth is so temporary, we will see him again one day. Ricky's tent is folded and he has been given the ultimate body, my socks are knocked off at this reality.
The second truth is that he is gone, and the kids and I are here without him. This truth is unbearable. I don't think I've ever really stopped to think about the word grief-stricken, but that is what I feel, every last little bit of it. Distressed, upset, inconsolable, pained, wretched, heartbroken - these are the words that come to mind when I dwell in this truth. This truth seems to pop up in unexpected ways. It popped on Mother's Day when I shredded sharp cheddar cheese. Ricky always ate half the block of sharp cheese. When I would get ticked, he'd just laugh and go buy more.
It popped last week when I saw some married friends making fun of each other in a sarcastic way. Ricky and I could be very sarcastic and enjoyed making fun of each other on a regular basis. :)
It popped the other day in church when I saw the bass player. Ricky played bass at church for as long as I knew him. He loved worshipping Jesus, seeing the corner where he used to stand just brought me to tears. I have gotten used to listening to the bass line because Ricky would always ask if I thought it sounded good. The bass player played a wrong note and I just thought man..not cool. (I know super critical..we all make mistakes ;)
It popped when I was at the mall and saw one of what we liked to call "God's unique creations." We people watched like real creepers.There really is a delightful variety of us. People watching is great comic relief when life throws lemons at you. But he wasn't there to share the joy of finding one of these creations.
It popped the other night when I was making dinner, it was the normal time he should be getting home from work. Normally he would come home and sit on the counter and tell me about his day, what he had engineered, created, how he had fixed a problem. He also loved to talk about the conversations he had with co-workers about Jesus. I stood there alone making spaghetti (because cooking sucks right now, so spaghetti is what we make) and his absence was almost unbearable.
"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through sleepless nights, each tear in your ledger, each ache written in your book." Psalm 56:8
My trouble has been only being able to focus on one of these truths at a time and feeling almost bi-polar. I had a bit of a revelation today as I was muddling through these thoughts. What if as I feel the hurt and pain (when those pops happen) of Ricky being gone, I invite Jesus into that space with me? As I invite Him into that space I believe he WILL continue to reveal Himself as a GOOD GOOD Father in the midst of this broken world and our temporary bodies. He will teach me to overcome pain and fear, instead of being overcome by them. I get to do something here on earth that I will not be able to do in heaven. I get to worship Jesus in the midst of pain. To lean on Him in the midst of suffering. I want to do this well as we have a finite amount of time here. Life is fragile, it is a gift. I WILL live it well.
I leave you with this little piece of lovely that I have been dwelling on -
"Our griefs cannot mar the melody of our praise; they are simply the bass notes of our life song: To God Be the Glory. " - C.H.Spurgeon
One more thing, if you are going through a hard time and need a song to help walk you through this idea check this out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI. Listen to it as loud as you can. Big speakers, Ricky-style.
