Better Not Bitter

"In the end you can't always choose what you keep.You can only choose how you let it go." 

I have been mulling this over the last few days. When I spoke at the funeral, I commented that I wanted to come out on the other side of this awful time a better person, not a bitter one. I had originally heard this phrase a few years ago from a couple in our life group at church. Their son passed away unexpectedly when he was 4 months. They know pain. They have taken an awful circumstance and chose to use it for Jesus. Better not bitter. What does that look like on a practical level? Choosing to trust that God knows best? I know that on a head-knowledge level, but in my heart can I say it? When grief hits not only close to our home but actually hit our home with the force of a tornado. Can I say that God still knows best and really mean it? In the last few weeks I have felt my faith growing leaps and bounds. As I read the Bible and reflect, I see God with us in our pain. He feels it too. He is closer to us than ever before. "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit" -Ps. 34:18  Knowing He is a God of compassion and feels what we are going through, is drawing me closer to him. Weird how that works. While I believe he did have the power to heal Ricky I firmly believe he chose to bring him home to Heaven. That was His best plan for Ricky. I can either be mad and frustrated the rest of my life. Or I can CHOOSE to believe that it was His best plan and learn to live here without my favorite person. I don't want to just bump along, I want to learn to live well. The Lord knows this will be a work in progress for some time. Ricky led our family in a beautiful, Godly way, while I'm great at being bossy and talking a lot I have no idea where God wants to take our family now. This is causing me to do a lot of leaning on and depending on Jesus. To let go and simply trust that He knows. To be still and know that He is GOD. As I lean into Him he is giving me strength to let go of the why, hurt, and frustration. 

Through it all, through it all 

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

So let it go my soul and trust in Him..

I still sing this song like every hour of everyday. (Tony asked me the other day uh mom, you've played that song like 20 times do you like it or something?) Because of Jesus I get to choose my response. I can take the negative to God and focus on His overwhelming goodness. I can take every sting to the Holy Spirit and let Him make life sweet, even in my pain. The knowledge that he is walking right beside me in this trial is such a comfort. Never will I leave you never will I forsake you He says...I'm holding Him to that. So in Him I will walk with my head held high knowing he's got this, and I mean, if something happens to the kids or I it wouldn't be the worst thing to go join Ricky in heaven right? Just kidding..but not entirely.