Memories #5
It's hard to articulate how I feel now. For the last 7 months every thought and feeling had an intense "color" associated with it. Whether it was sadness, joy, or anger, my feelings were very loud. For the last week everything feels brown. I feel unsure of myself, like I'm stuck in mud. While the sadness is not as intense, I prefer the more colorful feelings. This business of not knowing what I feel and being unmotivated has me all kinds of cranky.
When Ricky passed everyone encouraged me not to make any big decisions for the following year. Sound advice, I've tried to maintain life, to just tread water. Recently a house came on the market across the street. It fits my families needs better than where we are. I took a couple of people I trust to look at it with me. Am I crazy to move in this season? Does this indeed seem better? They agreed that it was a good fit and encouraged me to do so. Last night when I tucked Westin in we talked about the memories we made in the house. Most of the ones we talked about were from this year, there was a lot of climbing to the top of the bunkbed (praying it wouldn't collapse) and crying/snuggling together memories. We had many tickle-fight memories. I have a lot of step-on-a-lego-in-the-middle-of-the-night and think I'm dying memories too.
Perhaps my favorite memory in the house is when we found out we were pregnant with Isabelle. It was the spring of 2014. The boys were 7,8, and 9 my womb was happy with it's not pregnant status. I had gotten used to the idea of just having boys. I suspected something was not normal so I took a test one Tuesday morning, I went to Ricky and let him know we "might have a problem". He had been diagnosed with a chronic lung condition a few months before, he was convinced he would beat it. Our lives were chaotic, we were caring for his parents in our home, he was traveling frequently at work, and money was tight. When I said in a rather flat voice, "We are pregnant", he jumped and said "It's amazing! We are going to get the girl we always wanted and she will be amazing, we will figure out how to make it work". I wasn't convinced, around 2 minutes later his mentor Bob texted him a long message about remembering who Jesus promises to be and that He is in control. I think there was a bible verse as well. I teared up as he read it to me. I wish we had saved the message, I found it incredibly reassuring and I was able to be excited and enjoy the moment. Fast forward to today, Isabelle will be 2 in 2 days. I'm sitting in the place where Ricky and I had the conversation about her and who she might be, I'm overcome with emotion. She is a little beacon of joy and her daddy's mini-me, a pretty-Ricky if you will. The boys adore her and think she is the best thing ever. Her sweet little self has been a very bright light in our family's dark place.
I'm sad to leave this house but glad to make new memories, hopefully more good than bad across the street.
I know Who stands beside me and walks with me, it is empowering, life-altering and good. As soon as I take my eyes off of Jesus the world gets so bleak. When I set my focus on HIM I feel peace. " Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world give. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
-John 14:27
When Ricky passed everyone encouraged me not to make any big decisions for the following year. Sound advice, I've tried to maintain life, to just tread water. Recently a house came on the market across the street. It fits my families needs better than where we are. I took a couple of people I trust to look at it with me. Am I crazy to move in this season? Does this indeed seem better? They agreed that it was a good fit and encouraged me to do so. Last night when I tucked Westin in we talked about the memories we made in the house. Most of the ones we talked about were from this year, there was a lot of climbing to the top of the bunkbed (praying it wouldn't collapse) and crying/snuggling together memories. We had many tickle-fight memories. I have a lot of step-on-a-lego-in-the-middle-of-the-night and think I'm dying memories too.
Perhaps my favorite memory in the house is when we found out we were pregnant with Isabelle. It was the spring of 2014. The boys were 7,8, and 9 my womb was happy with it's not pregnant status. I had gotten used to the idea of just having boys. I suspected something was not normal so I took a test one Tuesday morning, I went to Ricky and let him know we "might have a problem". He had been diagnosed with a chronic lung condition a few months before, he was convinced he would beat it. Our lives were chaotic, we were caring for his parents in our home, he was traveling frequently at work, and money was tight. When I said in a rather flat voice, "We are pregnant", he jumped and said "It's amazing! We are going to get the girl we always wanted and she will be amazing, we will figure out how to make it work". I wasn't convinced, around 2 minutes later his mentor Bob texted him a long message about remembering who Jesus promises to be and that He is in control. I think there was a bible verse as well. I teared up as he read it to me. I wish we had saved the message, I found it incredibly reassuring and I was able to be excited and enjoy the moment. Fast forward to today, Isabelle will be 2 in 2 days. I'm sitting in the place where Ricky and I had the conversation about her and who she might be, I'm overcome with emotion. She is a little beacon of joy and her daddy's mini-me, a pretty-Ricky if you will. The boys adore her and think she is the best thing ever. Her sweet little self has been a very bright light in our family's dark place.
I'm sad to leave this house but glad to make new memories, hopefully more good than bad across the street.
I know Who stands beside me and walks with me, it is empowering, life-altering and good. As soon as I take my eyes off of Jesus the world gets so bleak. When I set my focus on HIM I feel peace. " Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world give. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
-John 14:27
So much joy and love in this little lady.
